Bringing women’s voices to seder night

Read Rabbi Miriam's latest article published on the Jewish News.

While the women I know roll their eyes at the word “freedom” in the run-up to Pesach, the irony is that the majority of central characters in the Pesach story are women

A column on women and Pesach? You might be expecting cooking and cleaning advice, preparation schedules or tips for what to feed the family the afternoon before the Seder. The sad reality, less than two weeks before Pesach, is that more women will be shouldering the mental load and panicking about the festival of our freedom than men. Come seder night, the majority of seder leaders will be men. If there was ever a time in the Jewish calendar to pull back the curtain on the lopsided gender divide, it’s this one.

I know many men get stuck in – I watched my father schlep boxes and do The Pesach Shop, and my husband is a zealous Pesach cleaner. Every household gets by in its own way, but the mental load is often not truly shared. Here’s a litmus test – if the woman of the house (where there is one) is too exhausted or stressed to enjoy Seder night, something has gone wrong.

While the women I know roll their eyes at the word “freedom” in the run-up to Pesach, the irony is that the majority of central characters in the Pesach story are women. Women are equally obligated in the mitzvah of eating matza (Rashi on Pesachim 43b). Our halachic texts say of women and Pesach:

“they too were part of the miracle”.

And in the Talmud (Sotah 11b) Rav Avira states that it was only in the merit of the righteous women of the Exodus generation that our people were freed from Egypt.

But little of this is known or appreciated as a central theme of Pesach.

And in the 5,500 words of the classic Hagaddah text, women are hardly mentioned. Less than two weeks after International Women’s Day, this fact jumps out.

There is just one passing mention of a woman in the Haggadah – Miriam. She appears in a quotation from the book of Micah recited in the Maggid section:

“I sent before you Moses, Aaron, and Miriam.”

In full transparency, this is the only mention of Moses in the Hagaddah too, and he’s the hero of the story. But how many Seder nights will invoke Moses’ name and story in their own creative additions, but not Miriam’s? And there are many many men quoted throughout the Hagaddah, but not a whisper of Rav Avira’s:

“righteous women of that generation”.

Over the years of the evolution of the Haggadah, something has gone wrong.

But evolution is the key word here, because Judaism has always evolved creatively, and on Pesach more than any other time. Whether it was the invention mentioned by the Rambam (Maimonides) of giving nuts and sweets to children to encourage them to ask questions on Seder night, or the emoji Haggadah I saw recently, we rise to the needs of each generation.

So here are some ideas for bringing back women’s stories and voices to your Seder night:

1. Take a pause at the Micah verse above to ask those at your Seder table to list all the women involved in the Pesach story.

   
   

   Here’s your cheatsheet: there are the midwives, Shifra and Puah who defied Pharoah’s command to kill Jewish boys at birth. There’s Yocheved, who fought against the same death sentence by placing her baby son in a basket and leaving him to the mercies of the River Nile. There’s her daughter Miriam, who followed her brother Moses right into the royal bathing area – that can’t have been strictly allowed. Perhaps bravest of all was Pharoah’s daughter, known by tradition as Batya, who took Moses from the water and adopted him. I like to imagine the family dinner conversation that night: “so dad, you know those slave children you want to kill? I found one and am going to bring him up in the palace. That’s ok right?” There’s Moshe’s wife Tziporah, who sacrificed her family life to return to Midian so Moshe could lead his people to freedom. And finally there’s the 50% of ordinary Israelite women, who the midrashim tell us kept their families together, and didn’t give up on the future.

   
   

2. Take up a new(ish) ritual – Miriam’s Cup. Developed a few decades ago, this is a cup of water which sits alongside Elijah’s cup of wine. It recalls Miriam’s relationship with water – following Moshe’s basket along the River Nile, leading the women in song and dance after the Reed Sea split, and according to tradition having a magical well of fresh water which sustained her people through their 40 years in the desert. There’s plenty online about Miriam’s Cups, as well as some beautiful designs to be bought.

   
   

3. Perhaps most importantly, encourage the women around your Seder table to share their voices. Maybe to lead the Seder, in part or in full. Jewish women today carry the legacy of those righteous women who we have to thank for our freedom from Egypt, and our voices matter.

   
   

Making changes can’t wait for seder night. Chat in the social media groups I’m in evidence the fact that when women shoulder the mental and physical load of the preparation, they’re often too exhausted, stressed or distracted by the food overcooking to really enjoy the Seder, let alone get involved in it.

So now, in the run-up to Pesach, is the time to redress the imbalance and return women to their central place in the festival. Seder night itself and the run-up are intertwined issues. Now is the time to plan a seder which brings women’s voices and stories to the fore. And as for preparation, I hope these words might be a cue for adult household members to sit down and make a truly shared game plan – together.