Toldot sermon

Rabbi Miriam's Toldot sermon - delivered Kabbalat Shabbat 21st November 2025

Our parasha is Toldot, which contains the story of Yaakov and Eisav’s brotherly wranglings. It all starts with the twins wrestling in utero, which leads their mother to ask the existential question:

“לָמָּה זֶּה אָנֹכִי”

“if so, why do I exist?”

In a time before obstetricians, she speaks to God via an oracle or teacher and is given a prophecy that the older twin will end up serving the younger - that struggle between the children is built in from the outset. 

And so it goes as the boys grow - Yaakov takes advantage of a hangry Eisav to buy his birth right for a bowl of red lentil soup, and eventually there is the full blown deception of the elderly, blind Yitzhak, with Yaakov dressing as Eisav with animal skins to receive the blessing his father intended for his brother. 

It’s good to revisit these stories as adults because there is so much depth to them beneath what we’re taught as children. 

So here’s the question I have as an adult reading this story. Why was the deception necessary? What was going on between this couple to have disintegrated to this point? 

The fact that Yitzhak wanted to give Eisav the primary blessing implies, as the Ramban tells us: 

“וְנִרְאֶה שֶׁלֹּא הִגִּידָה לוֹ רִבְקָה מֵעוֹלָם הַנְּבוּאָה אֲשֶׁר אָמַר יְיָ לָהּ” 

“It seems that Rivka never told him about the prophecy that was told to her by Hashem”

This is pretty shocking. Why didn’t Rivka tell her husband about the prophecy? 

My favourite explanation comes from the Netziv, Rabbi Naftali Zvi Yehuda Berlin, 1816–1893, dean of the yeshiva in Volozhin. 

He says that Rivka and Yitzhak, as a couple, were unlike Avraham and Sarah and Yaakov and Rachel, who could speak openly and as true partners. From the moment Rivka first saw Yitzhak, she asked the servant, “מי האיש הלזה”, meaning “who is that man?”, and she fell off her camel and covered herself; she was intimidated by him and wanted to hide herself.

He claims that from that first moment, Rivka felt unworthy of Yitzchak.  So, she never related to him as an equal and lacked the confidence to speak her mind to him. She never told him about her prophecy because she was embarrassed that she sought advice from Hashem (or as the midrash says, the Yeshiva of Shem and Ever) rather than talking to him, her husband. 

And so, even at the end of Yitzhak’s life, the little secret has grown into a big, important one, and Rivka’s only option is to manipulate the situation to get the right son blessed. 

Rabbi Sacks offers a further twist:

“Had she spoken to Isaac on the day of the blessing, Isaac might have said something that would have changed the entire course of their, and their children’s, lives. I imagine Isaac saying this: “Of course I know that it will be Jacob and not Esau who will continue the covenant. But I have two quite different blessings in mind, one for each of our sons. I will give Esau a blessing of wealth and power: ‘May God give you the dew of heaven and the richness of the earth ... May nations serve you and peoples bow down to you.’ (Gen. 27:28-29) I will give Jacob the blessing God gave Abraham and me, the blessing of children and the promised land, which he indeed goes on to give Isaac in Gen. 28:3-4.”

So for Rabbi Sacks, the entire deceit planned by Rebecca and carried out

by Jacob was never necessary in the first place. Why did Rebecca not understand this? Because she and her husband did not communicate. 

The consequences are huge. Yaakov needs to run from his brother. He ends up living with another manipulator, Lavan, and is tricked into marrying the wrong sister, unspooling what was sisterly love between Rachel and Leah into sisterly hate. The family is divided and filled with resentment. Our tradition says that Eisav, who was known as Edom, became the father of the Roman empire, which we call Edom - and that did not work out well for the Jews. 

Communication is the ultimate key to relationships. Having the vulnerability to say “hey, let me share what’s going on for me”, even if it risks embarrassment or admitting where we’ve had our equivalent of going to the oracle, this ultimately brings us closer. With Rivka, it came from feeling intimidated by her husband, but it could easily be the opposite - coming from a place of disdain. 

The Gottman Institute, a very good place for wisdom on relationships, says the following: 

“The problems underlying conflict are often the same. They are rooted in issues of trust and communication. Because people aren’t automatons, you can’t read each other’s minds. The root cause of conflict is often simply an inability to adequately express differences, feelings, and needs.”

So ultimately, while today’s parasha has us gripped by stories of mistrust, dysfunction and lack of communication - they are stories we can learn from. I hope that whether it’s on a family level, or a work level or an Am Yisrael level, we are able to communicate our feelings openly. I hope we are able to share the little secrets so they don’t become big, difficult ones. I hope we’re able to move beyond feelings of either disdain or intimidation, to have really good, respectful, open relationships in all parts of our lives. 

Shabbat shalom